why i cleared my spotify

i wanted to.

i have a new album coming out called the Refiner’s fire.

“no smoke, no fire,” am i right?

(sorry if that’s touchy.)

in all seriousness i read this verse: 

“Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord” 

Ephesians 5:19 

and i realized… i wasn’t doing that. 

[important aside for a second: i'm truly sorry to anyone i hurt by songs i shared that were harmful.]

ladybugs are a God-wink for me. if i was going to perform or release a song, i would see a ladybug. after a hard season, i found myself writing a series of really angry songs thinking i was venting to God but really i wanted vengeance. in the middle of writing one of these said angry songs i saw in front of me a black ladybug with red spots. i'd never seen something like that before so as a gen z i googled it (screenshot included). God knows His children and i think He knows how to intentionally parent and speak to each one of us. and yes i think He used a black ladybug with red spots to tell me something about the songs i was writing was alarmingly different.

yet, i kept writing those songs for months. looking back i see God's grace in continuing to pursue me in warnings: through friends, sermons, and a general lack of peace about it. ultimately it was 1 Samuel 24:10 that stopped me in my tracks: 

“This very day you can see with your one eyes it isn’t true. For the Lord placed you at my mercy back there in the cave. Some of my men told me to kill you, but I spared you. For I said, ‘I will never harm the king—he is the Lord’s anointed.” 

1 Samuel 24:10

in context, David (anointed king of Israel by God) was on the run from the current king of Israel, Saul (who didn't like the idea of God replacing him). Saul was trying to kill David. but God wouldn't give David over to Saul's hand. in fact, God did quite the opposite. David had the opportunity to kill Saul. in this verse David talks about why he didn't go through with it -- it was wrong and David's conscience bothered him.

after reading this, i felt my conscience bother me. under the full weight of this conviction, i threw away my songbook and the album of mostly vengeful songs titled Roses. and i didn’t write or play anything for a while.

ugh but vengeful songs are/were h-o-t. the radio and my spotify playlist had quite a but of them. even listening them bothered my conscience because it fed the part of me that wanted to be avenged without including God. it might seem fine to others, but it wasn’t for me anymore. 

i cleared out my music completely—playlists, liked songs, everything. and seemingly immediately a few friends started sending me faith-based songs or albums they loved, what was crazy about that was they had no idea I wad starting from a blank slate. they just happened to be listening and "thinking of me". i see God's grace in that—it showed me that He cared for not only me, but also my enjoyment of music.

vengeance is the Lord’s. “I will repay” God says. 

sighs.

repents.

turns to obey.

has a "yes Lord, here i am" moment.

and starts to write non-vengeful songs.

the first song I shared with two close friends was called forgiveness. instead of vengeance, it's about mercy, compassion, and—well— forgiveness. i didn’t have it in me at first; it had to be sown in.

but early on i felt a slight pressure to be something i'm not. i felt a pressure to be overtly cheerful in lyricism and melody but minimalistic in production like the worship songs i know and love to sing on Sunday mornings. the issue with that was i was in a season of lament (tears, crying, pain, etc).

and i learned how to use garageband so that meant i was having way too much fun with synths to keep it simple.

i felt like i had permission to write from where i was and it was incredibly healing for me. i didn't need to be in an emotional state i wasn't in. i could freely just lament to God and confess i'm a mess right now and i need help. the production became an extension of that. for me, when i hear a production element on it's own i think "oh that's tension!"..."that's sadness!" or "oh this one, oh yeah that's anger!"

i've been working with the same producer since i started releasing music (yes since paper boats and smoke), and he noted that the new album isn’t so different from my other music in style and sound (i’m still an alt-rock girly)—but the subject matter has shifted. i'm a Christian alt-rock girly.  

and i’m so grateful to join the anthem of worship unto the Lord. big electric guitars and all.